God in Silence

In silence, I never thought that God would appear merely because he wanted to speak through us. In silence, I found discomfort and was clueless. In silence, despite being enlightened, I found everything was manmade. Nothing was pure. I sat on this long bench. It was merely a room with elderly people in it. I saw their peaceful faces in this silence. I apologize, even their sincere singing and speech did not move my heart even an inch. Did I remain silent because I did not connect with God? Did they talk and sing because God had chosen them? Was it merely because they wanted to talk?

Queerly, the discomfort followed me until I was home. This disturbance bothered me everywhere my mind went. I felt my heart, which had been paralyzed for too long, also felt bothered. I never expected the silence to make such loud noises in my emptiness. Silence kept knocking on the door of the abandoned space in me. It has been a while since I tried to forget the abyss in my sanity. It has been a while since I cried in my prayer. It has been a while since fear made my dream turn to darkness. It made me think, “Do I lose my God?” No, I lost my trust in all expectations. I lost my purity in my hope. I lost the mighty ambition of my dream. I lost the dearest people in my life. I even lost myself. Perhaps I have truly lost God.

--Quacker Meeting. Wellesley Friends Meeting. Sunday, August 6th, 2023, at 10.30 A.M.--